Several times a week I am contacted by individuals trying to recover from a divorce. Misty and I have spent the last four years trying to share our story and minister to others. This is the primary reason why we established the Reclaiming Hope Ministry. It is also the reason why we’ve pursued certification as life coaches.
Navigating divorce is a deeply personal journey, and while everyone experiences it differently, there are some common emotional stages people tend to go through. These stages are often compared to the stages of grief, as divorce represents the loss of a significant relationship. When you seek to understand the 7 stages of divorce recovery, the picture becomes clearer.
1. Shock: How could this be happening? This initial stage is marked by disbelief and numbness. You may struggle to accept the reality of the situation, feeling like it's a bad dream. You may face denial or freeze up. Misty describes sitting in her closet for hours just crying and looking at the carpet fibers. I sat in my living room where you could literally feel the emptiness, until a church friend (Stephen) came over to sit with me through the night.
2. Grief: Why me? Why now? This is the stage of sorrow, pain, guilt and questioning. As the shock wears off, the reality of the loss sets in. Feelings of intense sadness, hurt, and frustration are common. You might question your role in the divorce and ruminate on past mistakes. My divorce was evident months before the official filing. It was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. It’s hard when counseling and prayer are not enough to fix the problem. Both individuals in the marriage must be committed to keeping vows made to God.
3. Anger: Could I have done something different? Am I to blame? How could she/he do this? Anger is a natural response to feeling wronged or betrayed. You may direct your anger towards your former spouse, yourself, the “other” person, or even the situation itself. Bargaining might happen at this stage which involves attempts to reconcile or find ways to undo the divorce. In my situation, the trust was broken repeatedly with promises to break off the other relationship. It’s hard not to have hard feelings in such a situation.
4. Depression: Is there any hope? Why does it hurt so bad? Will it ever get better? This stage involves deep sadness, loneliness, and a sense of hopelessness. It's crucial to acknowledge these feelings and seek support if needed. Misty and I are both huge proponents of counseling. This isn’t just necessary in the face of an earthquake (separation or divorce) but also when facing the aftershocks (custody issues, co-parenting, division of assets). My counselors were phenomenal in helping me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
5. Acceptance: Is this my new reality? How can I pick up the pieces? Gradually, you begin to accept the reality of the divorce and start to adjust to your new life. This doesn't mean you're happy about it, but you're no longer fighting against it. Misty talks about how you learn to adapt to your new circumstances. She shares how you will laugh again and smile again. Don’t abandon hope. Peace may be on the horizon. You can’t change the past but you can change the way your divorce impacts your present and future.
6. Healing: What’s next? How can you grow through this experience? Reconstruction and working through the pain of divorce can be healthy. It’s not easy to hear but you need to discover your true identity. This is the stage where you begin to rebuild your life. You begin to make plans for the future that are independent of your former spouse. You begin to set new goals. I went straight from high school into marriage (almost 2 weeks between events) and had to learn how to do many things I’d never done by myself. I’d never handled finances, taxes, insurance, and much more. These challenges helped me grow into a more healthy version of myself.
7. Rebuilding: How can I move forward? What are my goals and priorities? In this final stage, you've integrated the experience into your life and are looking ahead. This is more than just gazing forward to the future. It’s laying the groundwork for a new foundation. You can rediscover your sense of self and should open yourself up to new possibilities. We call this “reclaiming” hope. Be intentional in your approach to start over. Don’t jump into another relationship immediately. Spend time with other survivors. Pray often. Study your Bible everyday. Get plugged into a church.
It's important to remember that these stages are not linear. You may move back and forth between them. You may skip a stage or two. Some stages may take longer than others. It’s different for everyone. The duration of each stage varies greatly from person to person. This is why we advocate getting support from friends, family, church members and/or a therapist. This can be incredibly helpful during this time. It is important to know you are not alone. There is hope!
You are loved.
Ray Reynolds, PhD
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