The Unsolicited Gift: Forgiving Someone When They Don't Ask (or Deserve It)
- Ray Reynolds, Ph.D.
- 4 days ago
- 4 min read
Forgiveness. The word itself can feel heavy, loaded with emotion, especially when the offense is deep and the offender remains oblivious, unrepentant, or even hostile. As Christians, we hear the call to forgive often. But what does that look like when the other person hasn't asked for it, doesn't seem to care, or frankly, doesn't deserve our grace?
It's a tough pill to swallow. Our human nature screams for justice, for acknowledgement of the wrong done, perhaps even for a heartfelt apology. We might think, "Why should I forgive them when they haven't even said sorry? They don't deserve my forgiveness!"
And in a worldly sense, perhaps they don't. But as followers of Christ, our standard isn't the world's. Our standard is the radical, often uncomfortable, love and forgiveness exemplified by Jesus himself.
Think about the cross. Jesus, in unimaginable pain, looked down at his tormentors – those who mocked, tortured, and ultimately killed him – and prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34). They hadn't asked for forgiveness. They likely didn't think they needed it. Yet, Jesus extended it anyway.
This act reveals a profound truth about forgiveness from a Christian perspective: forgiveness is often more for the forgiver than the forgiven. Holding onto bitterness and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It festers within us, poisoning our joy, our peace, and our relationships. It creates walls in our hearts, isolating us from God and others.
Forgiving someone who hasn't asked for it, or who we believe doesn't deserve it, is an act of obedience to God and an act of self-care. It's about releasing the grip that the offense has on our hearts. It's about choosing freedom over bondage to anger and pain.
This doesn't mean we condone the wrong that was done. Forgiveness doesn't erase the past or excuse harmful behavior. It doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation or restoring the relationship to what it once was. There may still be boundaries that need to be in place for our own protection and well-being.
How do we practically approach this challenging act of unsolicited forgiveness? Here are seven suggestions:
1) Acknowledge Your Feelings
It's okay to feel hurt, angry, and betrayed. Don't try to suppress these emotions. Bring them before God in prayer. The Bible teaches us that confession is good for the soul.
2) Pray For the Person
This might feel counterintuitive, but praying for the person who hurt you can begin to soften your heart. Ask God to bless them, even if you don't feel like it. Think less about what they’ve said or done and reflect on why these cause heartache and pain. There must be more to their story.
3) Focus on God's Forgiveness
Remember how much God has forgiven you. We are all sinners in need of His grace. Reflecting on His boundless mercy can help us extend that same grace to others. Don’t forget what Jesus said in the model prayer of Matthew 6. If you want forgiveness you must forgive others.
4) Stop Waiting For An Apology
Release the need for an apology or acknowledgment. This is often the hardest part. We crave validation for our pain. But true forgiveness sometimes means letting go of the expectation that the other person will ever understand or apologize.
5) Surrender Your Bitterness
This is a conscious decision. It's a process, not a one-time event. Every time the painful memory surfaces, actively choose to release the bitterness and offer forgiveness again. Rise above it. There is no room for anger, vengeance and bitterness in the heart of a child of God.
6) Ask God For Help
Seek God's strength and guidance. This kind of forgiveness is often beyond our own human capacity. Lean on the Holy Spirit for strength, wisdom, and healing. Meditate on the words of God.
7) Start Over
Let it go. Get a fresh new start. Stop living in the past. It’s time for you to eliminate those negative thoughts. You cannot change the other person, but you can change yourself. Move forward!
Forgiving someone who hasn't asked for it or doesn't seem to deserve it is a radical act of faith and obedience. It's an offering of grace, mirroring the grace we have received from our Heavenly Father. It's a journey towards healing and freedom, not just for the other person (though it may impact them in ways we don't see), but most importantly, for our own hearts and souls.
May we all find the strength and courage, through Christ, to extend this unsolicited gift of forgiveness, even when it feels impossible. For in doing so, we truly reflect the heart of our Savior.
You are loved.
Ray Reynolds, PhD
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