Parental alienation is a term used to describe a process where one parent tries to cause a child to reject, fear, or avoid contact with the other parent. I’m currently working on some podcasts (and more blogs) to address the dangers of this practice. I’ve spent the last few years compiling research to share with you.
First, let me preface this by saying I do not consider myself to be an “expert” on this subject but I feel I’ve progressed beyond the “novice” stage. I’ve been the victim of parental alienation. I know the pain it brings and it’s lasting effects. Parental alienation is a complex issue with significant emotional and legal implications. It's essential to approach this situation with sensitivity and seek professional help to ensure the child's well-being.
Second, parental alienation can be intentional or unintentional. This can happen intentionally through manipulation, or unintentionally through the parent's own unresolved anger or resentment towards the other parent. The core of parental alienation is the child's unjustified, and often intense, rejection of the targeted parent.
Third, alienating parents may use various tactics, such as making false accusations of abuse, neglect, or other harmful behavior. Constantly criticizing, belittling, or spreading rumors about the other parent is a tactic to force the hand of the courts to restricting contact. This also includes badmouthing the other parent. The goal is often to prevent or interfere with visits and communication. By brainwashing and indoctrinating the child with their own negative views it can cause irreparable harm to the child. It is abuse!
From my research I’ve found that there are at least seven signs of parental alienation:
#1 Complete Polarization: The child idealizes the alienating parent while demonizing the targeted parent, lacking a balanced perspective. The child clearly wants to please the alienating parent at all costs. Dr Warshak likens this “divorce poison“ as taking the form of a cult. The alienating parent serves the cult leader while the child, and others who believe the lies, fall right in line. Everything is described in black-and-white. You must take a side!
#2 Exaggeration of Faults: The child exaggerates or invents faults in the targeted parent, lacking empathy and failing to acknowledge any positive qualities. The child may refuse to see any good in the relationship. Past or present. If the child has been in a loving home, and had a good relationship with the parent, this should be a major red flag.
#3 Irrational Fear or Anger: The child displays unwarranted fear or anger towards the targeted parent, often based on unfounded accusations. This includes lying in an effort to please the alienating parent. The manipulative parent sows seeds of doubt and negativity. Adults need to pay close attention to changes in behavior with children of divorce or coparenting.
#4 Parroting the Alienating Parent's Grievances: The child repeats the alienating parent's negative views and criticisms of the targeted parent without personal experience or understanding. They speak of things in first person, even though they were clearly not there. Often the alienating parents will share text messages, emails, and personal stories that only paint the alienating parent in a good light and the targeted parent in a bad light.
#5 Personality Changes & Hostility: The child exhibits significant personality changes, such as increased aggression or anxiety, particularly around interactions with the targeted parent. The child may act completely different around the parent. This also is another reason why they may want to limit interaction with the targeted parent. Brainwashing and manipulation are used to coerce the child, but this form of abuse takes its toll on children.
#6 Refusal of Contact or Visitation: The child actively resists visits with the targeted parent, making excuses or showing minimal effort to maintain a relationship. They may refuse visits. They may not answer phone calls or text messages. This is extremely disheartening to the targeted parent, but it is important to remember that the child is a victim in this terrible game.
#7 Sudden & Unexplained Rejection: The child abruptly and inexplicably rejects the targeted parent without any prior issues. Even if there are some small issues, every child wants to be loved by their parents. Counselors and court appointed representatives should take a careful look at the bigger picture. It is important to see all sides of the situation. Far too often there is not enough due diligence to thoroughly examine both parents and the children.
Parental alienation is a complex issue with ongoing debate within the mental health and legal fields. It’s crucial to remember that children's experiences are unique, and not every situation involving strained parent-child relationships constitutes parental alienation. If you suspect parental alienation, it's essential to consult with a mental health professional or legal expert for guidance.
I highly recommend the book “Divorce Poisen” by Dr. Richard A. Warshak. He has another book by the title “The Custody Revolution” that is also a great read. Have a great week!
You are loved.
Ray Reynolds, PhD
Disclaimer: If you are struggling with parental alienation, please seek support from a qualified mental health professional. Seek the proper help through DHR, the courts or an attorney. I’ll be happy to help you find counseling or point you in that direction.
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